Have you ever been in a situation where you shared with a friend that you were struggling in your relationship over something your partner/spouse did, and they said something like, “oh he’ll never change!”? Even as a matchmaker, I recall often hearing people say, “Men never change.” or “Boys will be boys!”.
Personally, I feel like we’ve written off men as these primitive beasts without any motivation or drive to grow or evolve. Perhaps this is something I have been pondering as a mom to two boys and because I, personally, have been on a self-healing journey these last few years and I know that if I can change and evolve, I believe my boys (and men, in general!) can as well! I’ve seen it happen and I know deep in my heart that it’s possible.
When we begin to do our own inner work, what happens is that our relationships and those around us also begin to heal and grow. It’s quite an amazing phenomenon to witness, actually. It proves how truly interconnected we all are to one another and how our actions impact those around us in a deeply meaningful way. This is scientifically explained through the quantum physics phenomenon of entrainment.
Everything we see, touch, and feel vibrates at a certain frequency. We, too, vibrate at a certain frequency and when we experience deep healing, we become lighter and our vibration (or the frequency at which our cells vibrate) actually raises. When two objects are near each other vibrating at different frequencies, they eventually fall into sync, such that the higher frequency object entrains the lower frequency object.
This is partly why when we do our own healing work, others around us begin to heal as well. When we heal generational traumas, we heal our lineage before and after us. Have you noticed the impact your healing has had on others around you?
The short answer is – NO! Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, I would say it’s imperative to do the work on yourself before you begin trying to work on your relationship.
When we do the inner work on ourselves, our perceptions change so when we reflect back on our past experiences, the meanings we have given certain events/exchanges, etc also change. We’re able to look back and see that perhaps there was another side to the story that we weren’t aware of at the time because all we could see was our limited perception of it at that moment.
Our conditioning, stored in our subconscious mind, provides a filter through which we experience life. However, once we have new information, once we become more aware of our own thought and behavioral patterns that have impacted the way we responded, reacted, and perceived a situation, we’re able to understand our role in the unfolding of the events that followed. It helps us better understand how our relationships have evolved or in some cases, devolved, as a result of our thoughts, actions, and beliefs.
With new information, we are able to perceive something different than the narrative we’ve been telling ourselves over and over again. For example, when we are in a relationship that is struggling, it is often easier to place blame upon the other person than to see and accept responsibility for our role in why things are the way they are.
We forget, until we remember, that we are always co-creating our experiences in our day-to-day lives. It’s harder to see how we may have created certain dynamics in our relationships when we are not aware of the underlying beliefs that we were holding that clouded our ability to see someone else, or their intentions clearly, or to truly see the essence of the person next to us, or what underlying motivations they may have had due to their own inner wounds.
If you happen to be someone who is struggling in a relationship right now or experiencing disconnection, I’d like to offer you a glimmer of hope. Relationships take two so the good news is that YOU can change the trajectory of your relationship!
The problems within your relationship are not solely because of one of the two people in the relationship. You are one half of the whole, so it stands to reason that you are half responsible for why you are where you are right now, why you may be having circuitous arguments over and over again, why you are feeling resentful, why things have happened in your relationship that has caused you to feel disconnected, ripped apart or disassociated. This does not apply if you are in any kind of abusive relationship or are a victim of domestic violence. (please see the Disclaimer at the bottom of this post if you believe you are in an abusive relationship)
The GOOD NEWS is that this also means that you can be half of the solution to change the way your relationship looks, feels and plays out.
How do you move towards that flicker of hope and new opportunity? How do you change the narrative and trajectory of the path you are on? You start by doing the work on yourself FIRST. You start by doing the healing you need to do so you can reconnect back to yourself. Then you can make a decision about your relationship from a healed place instead of from a hurt place. You can choose what you want and what you don’t, from a place of wholeness instead of a place of lack. You can make a decision from love as opposed to fear!
“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.”– Unknown
As you grow, evolve and change, your partner will also begin to heal and grow. Why is that?! Well, remember, higher frequencies and entrain lower frequencies! So, become a role model of what’s possible for those around you. Become the beacon of light that illuminates the path forward so your partner can get unstuck and out of their own way.
Guide, encourage, and support your partner. It’s not your job to swoop in as the “rescuer” or “fixer”, but supporting one another as you wade through the mud, so to speak, will allow you two to create more intimacy in your relationship if you’re able to open up and be vulnerable. If you’re not, that’s okay too. Take the time you need and move at a pace and in a way that is comfortable for you as you do the shadow work.
Doing the shadow work individually, will eventually allow you and your partner to redefine your relationship, and create a new, stronger, healthier foundation. The foundation will be built first, upon the love you have for yourself because once you reconnect back to who you are, know your value, your worth, that you are lovable and that you’re able to make decisions from a heart-centered place, you’ll be able to choose something different than what you’ve already experienced together. Second, you’ll be open to a deeper love for your partner as you release any resentment you may have had as you share in the accountability for how your relationship got off track. Relationships are never one-sided.
If you and your partner make decisions from a healed place, you will be able to create a new and improved version of your marriage – Marriage v2.0! You’ll be able to address challenges and struggles that come your way with greater ease once you establish a healthier and stronger foundation. If you’re able to share vulnerably along the way, you will have also created greater intimacy and improved communication skills.
Of course, it’s possible that in the end, you two may decide to go your separate ways. You may realize you want different things or you can’t reignite the “flame” for whatever reason. If that is the case, don’t fear that all your growth and upleveling was in vain! As a result of your healing journey, you will be able to make decisions from a healed place, a place of wholeness rather than from a place of fear, doubt, anger, restlessness, etc. You’ll be able to move forward with compassion and stand firm in your value without settling for anything less than what you deserve. You will have the courage to make empowered decisions from a heart-based place.
Most likely, you will have also improved your communication skills and your partnership, so even if you decide to part ways, your co-parenting relationship (and your kids!) will benefit.
No one is ever too old to change AND sex doesn’t determine whether or not we are capable of growing and evolving. If you are living and breathing then you, too, can heal, grow, evolve and change! If you’re struggling in your relationship, commit to doing the inner work, then CHOOSE how you want to move forward. We are human, we aren’t perfect and neither are our partners! Healing your relationship takes courage, self awareness, love (yes, self-love too!), trust and commitment.
Need guidance on your self-healing/self-discovery journey or in your relationship, reach out and let’s chat! I’d love to be able to support you! Or find a good therapist to help guide you.
The advice shared within this blog post does not apply if you are in an abusive, violent, or unsafe relationship or if your partner is abusing substances. If you are a victim of domestic violence or think you may be, please call 1-800-799-SAFE to receive FREE and CONFIDENTIAL resources and support.
I'm so happy you're here! This Blog was created as a way to share content with anyone who is interested in personal healing and self-discovery in order to create a life that allows them to stand in their Truth, live out their Purpose and reconnect to their Joy. Happy reading!